T-minus 5 months and 21 days

The complimentary age of 30 has been looming over me for the past few years. At least, over my consciousness. The ago of 30 means nothing to some and means the end of life to others. I'm still struggling to determine which camp I am in.

A few months ago, a friend told me she was essentially "an old lady" and she is only 36. Is this what I have to look forward to? I listen and apply, "is this the right fit?" I ask myself. What kind of 30-yr-old do I want to be? A few people I know mark their own passage into a new decade with a huge trip, weight loss, marathon or a new car. What the hell am I going to do when I turn 30?

My mom recently celebrated a birthday and I began to think about what she was doing 30 years ago. She gave birth to me! What is she doing 30 years later? She is grammy to Sofie, retired, traveling monthly with my dad, volunteering weekly, still attending church faithfully and gracefully accepting her years on this earth. A lot goes on in the short span of 30 years. It seems like a long time but at the same time, it can quickly pass while you blink.

In lieu of a baby, I've been trying to figure out what I want to do with all of my spare time. My friends who all have kids remind me each time I see them that time is something you don't have once you take on the responsibility of raising your own. This year, I'm trying to pack in as much travel as we can afford, exercise whenever and wherever I want and sleep in as much as I can possibly handle. I enjoy the silence that squeezes my house in the morning when I wake up, knowing my first job isn't to feed anyone other than myself. I enjoy the simplicity of my life at the moment knowing that I have a million different ways to spend my time, when I'm not at work of course.

Sometime next year I intend to jump off the cliff of childhood (I still consider myself a kid) and dive straight into motherhood. Parenting sounds a bit like what friends have described as cave tubing - you know there is a sculpted, pre-determined path to follow and there is a "guide" in the tube chain who is also being delivered through the dark via tube, wearing a limp head lamp. The bacteria-soaked head lamp strapped to your head is there only to provide comfort, not utility. Occasionally you experience your bottom scraping against a shallow spot and wince at the thought of your suit tearing and bronzed skin revealing its painted status. But your partner is there with you, holding your hand and your both seeking the light at the end of the tunnel, the end of the cave tube. Meanwhile you both are asking, "why did I sign up for this"?

Hola Mexico!

Soon I will be planted on a beach in Mexico, specifically Playa Del Carmen. I'm traveling in celebration of my big 3-0 in 2009. I'm excited to celebrate my birthday nine months early in Mexico.

We're traveling to a new, all-inclusive resort called Azul Fives Hotel. It is the first time we're not embedded in local culture and seeing as many sights as we can crammed into one day.

We're going to sit on our butts, soak up the sun and not worry about a schedule. While drinking. I'm so excited.

It's my first time visiting Mexico. Right now in the ultimate doldrums of winter in Minnesota, it's a bright beacon of hope to survive another winter here.

Mourning the loss of a friend

Months ago, a long-time friend of mine ended our relationship. It was, at first, a shock to my system as I had enjoyed nearly 23 years of memories and family ties knowing and thinking about this friend. I didn't know you could mourn the loss of someone living until I no longer was a part of her life any longer and I knew from that point on, I would no longer be invited back into her life.

The cirtumstances of the break up are somewhat troubling since it was a complete misunderstanding of impressions. As she tightly wove her belief system into a porfolio of volunteerism, selflessness and the stuff that Mother Theresa is made out of, over the years, she also became blind to her own biases. I don't need to spill all of the facts, but her judgement about my choices became painfully clear one night over a short dinner, laced with a well intended conversation and an attempt to connect ourselves and our lives after a decade of separation. Afterwards, I learned that as I have so often preached to others about open mindedness and the power of understanding "the other side", I was a victim of her own judgement, someone who had also preached the same.

I'm not really sure if this person will ever return to my life. In addition to losing her as a friend, I also mourn the fact that I cannot pass through a difficult time in her life with her, giving her the support she may need. Growing older affords us new opportunities for new beginnings which includes meeting new people and moving forward. It also bears the scares of relationships from the past that will always impact our lives, even without that person we once loved.